Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
