if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
