i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
