we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
