I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
