if only i could text you this smell
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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