I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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