Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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