I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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