I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
