im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
