I'm so fucking centered right now
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
