I think I am morally bankrupt
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
