I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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