i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
