I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
