Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
