looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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