he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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