All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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