If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
