Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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