can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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