I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
