So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
