when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
