Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
