Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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