when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
