she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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