I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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