we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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