I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Send help, water and tortillas.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
