Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
