You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
