I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
