Your face is a jimmy john
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
