Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
