fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
