Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i need some magic done to my vagina
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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