I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
