You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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