omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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