remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
