you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
