Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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