I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
