Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
