This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
