i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
