Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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