I need help removing her.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
