I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
