i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
