Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So here I am, sexting at work.
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