I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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