So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
