I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize