I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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