Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
