im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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