Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
