Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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